A Fresh Start

Philosophy Stuff

Ethics class paper summary thing I had to write…I find it interesting and have a bit of pride in writing it (first section is a layout of arguments used by the author of the article, the second is the summary):

1. If there are duties to oneself, it is natural to expect that a duty to avoid being servile would have a prominent place among them…
2. The moral defect in each case (the Deferential Wife, the Self Deprecator, and the Uncle Tom), I suggest, is a failure to understand and acknowledge one’s own moral rights.
3. I assume, without argument here, that each person has moral rights.
4. Most can be waived under appropriate conditions; perhaps some cannot.
5. The objectionable feature of the servile person, as I have described him, is his tendency to disavow his own moral rights either because he misunderstands them or because he cares little for them.
6. My strategy is to construe the remark as saying that at least one sort of respect for persons is respect for the rights which the moral law accords them. If one respects the moral law, then one must respect one’s own moral rights; and this amounts to having a kind of self-respect incompatible with servility.
7. Let us assume…all human beings have equal basic human rights…not all rights need to be earned, and some cannot be forfeited. Many rights can be waived but only under certain conditions of knowledge and freedom…a person’s consent releases others from obligation only if it is autonomously given, and consent resulting from underestimation of one’s moral status is not autonomously given.
8. Each person ought, as far as possible, to respect the moral law…this means not only that each person ought to do what is morally required and refrain from what is morally wrong but also that each person should treat all the provisions of morality as valuable – worth preserving and prizing as well as obeying. One should also take an attitude of respect towards the principles ideals, and goals of morality.
9. The objection to the servile person, given our premises, is that the does not satisfy the basic requirement to respect morality.
10. In order to avoid servility, a person who gives up his rights must do so with a full appreciation for what they are.

Hill classifies servile people as three different types while proclaiming servility is a moral defect and undesirable. There are Uncle Toms, Self Deprecators, and Deferential Wives. Uncle Toms essentially view themselves as inferior to another race (not necessarily limited to race) based on only race (for example, white people are inherently better than black people). Self Deprecators forfeit basic rights believing they have not earned them, when in fact they need not be earned. Deferential Wives give up their own interests, beliefs, and more or less lives to please their husbands, however, this does not make them unhappy. Hill argues that Utilitarianism cannot adequately explain why servility is a moral defect: the greatest utility can still be achieved by servility, and therefore servility is justified.
According to Hill, the main reason servility is objectionable is due to the “failure to understand and acknowledge one’s own moral rights.” The assumption is that each person has moral rights. Rights are classified in different ways which allows some to be waived under certain conditions while (perhaps) others cannot be. If upon a servile person discovering their rights they do not alter their behavior, what judgment is to be made? Hill argues it is then based upon motives. If the role of servility is played out of laziness or fear for example rather than a morally upstanding reasoning (such as to avoid harm to oneself), then Hill counts said person as servile. He admits such a line is hard to draw, but draws one at “a willingness to disavow one’s moral status, publicly and systematically, in the absence of any strong reason to do so.”
People have the right to give up rights, so why is servility therefore a defect? Hill sets out a few assumptions before answering this question. All human beings have rights, servility is as defined above, and that each person “ought as far as possible, to respect the moral law.” Hill defines this as not only meeting requirements but also as treating the ideals and system of morality as valuable. How can a person who doesn’t understand his or her own rights, and wrongly denies them respect the system or even the rights of others? The situation in which one can be considered non-servile is one where “a person [who] gives up his rights must do so with a full appreciation for what they are.” The key is ignorance, misunderstanding, or a combination of both. This allows sacrifices of people without labeling them as “servile.” Furthermore, if the right of respect from others is considered an undeniable right (as an example of an undeniable right), given the earlier premise, everyone would respect other people whether or not those people would press that right. Out of respect for morality, no single person would cross the line of disrespect, and a person who allows such a thing is acting in a servile manner (they are giving up a right which they cannot deny, which marks them as ignorant or as misunderstanding, which concludes with them being labeled as servile). Hill’s reasoning, argument, and conclusion essentially stem from his thesis: “If there are duties to oneself, it is natural to expect that a duty to avoid being servile would have a prominent place among them…”

@_@

@_@ what’s going on?

or to be grammatically correct:

What is happening?

Never end your sentences in prepositions, kids.

Why?

I kind of don’t understand myself. Why do I continue to hold people in my group of “friends” or maybe they’re better described as “acquaintances”. I hold people who have hurt me, disappointed me, continue to hurt me, ignore me, or do any number of things which have a negative impact on me, close to me when I don’t know I should. I don’t know why I do this. Why do I keep them close? Why do I let them continue to hurt me? Why? There is no purpose, no point, no reason for it. Why should I keep them around and keep the pain fresh, keep the frustration around, keep the constant watch, keep the grudge alive? There’s little to no reason. I’m not out for revenge. I’m not out for payback. I’m not like that. If that was my reasoning, I would have done something mean by now. I would have done something I would regret by now…I would’ve said something mean by now…something I can’t take back…words which I would regret for a long time (I’ve already done that actually…).

I hate deciding this. I hate choosing whether to cut these people out or keep them around, when it seems obvious they don’t want me around. There is no attempt at communication, no attempt at anything NICE towards me. There is nothing…there is no friendship, when it was explicitly said “I still want to be friends.” BS. Why can’t you just tell the truth? How hard is it to say “I think it’d be better if we just didn’t hang out anymore…” or something? That’s much less cruel than lying about it and leaving a huge cloud of doubt. Note, it’s still cruel. Choosing either way should be easy though, shouldn’t it? Logically speaking, it makes much more sense to drop them. Why shouldn’t I? They cause me pain, trouble, frustration, so why shouldn’t I just never speak to them again? That would be logical. That would save me from further hurt. But then there’s the whole…illogical thing. The whole emotional side. I DON’T drop people. I’ve never done that. It’s not something I do. It’s simply something cruel…mean…very extreme.

But can I let this go if I don’t let THEM go as well?

I don’t know…

Renewal

I decided I’d like to start anew. Somewhere I can just say something without worrying about who’s reading it…so here I am.

Old…

I swear I’m going insane.

I can’t stop thinking about things. My past is catching up with me? Or maybe I’m just being melodramatic. Whatever the scenario is, I’m going insane. I can’t stop thinking about things. Over and over, again and again…repeat after repeat!

I would venture as far as to say the Twilight series is rotting my brain, but I know that isn’t it.

All of this…well no, not all of it…but a lot of it was sparked by that dream…how odd. I don’t dream. But When I do, I forget almost INSTANTLY. But not this one. Oh no…a day or two later, it came back. Just waiting in traffic…going to work…and then hey. It’s back. And it’s not just a dream either. Oh no. Much more than that…

I swear I’m going insane.

I can’t stop thinking about it…it won’t just go away. Holy crap.

I’ve never felt so alone…
1 week ago
“Looking at this feels like a redneck is vomiting trucks into our eyeballs” - Reason this is TERRIBLE box art.
“Looking at this feels like a redneck is vomiting trucks into our eyeballs” - Reason this is TERRIBLE box art. 1 week ago

Secondhand Typing?

I’m not sure if this would be called secondhand typing per say…but I’m about to watch Ocean’s Eleven at Victor’s house, but I also want to type without actually thinking about it? I have a lot on my mind I’ve been thinking about lately…but I don’t want to actually have to *think* about what I’m typing…cause it’s halfway emo whiney dumb stuff that no one really wants to read, but I made up my mind to just rant about it anyway.

I dislike human touch. I dislike hugs. I don’t like to be in close proximity to people I’m not familiar with, less so with people I know but still to an extent. A big extent. I dislike human touch. I do. With the exception of the person I’m dating (if any), I don’t like to be physically close to other people. Regardless of gender. I don’t. I simply don’t. Why? Why don’t I like hugs? Why don’t I like to be close to people? Why does it bother me so much?

All good questions. Something I’ve been thinking about a whole lot. It’s just been on my mind. I’ve been in situations where people have been repeatedly in close proximity to me, and I have been repeatedly uncomfortable with it. A whole lot.

For example. Last night, I went to the Twilight book prom night party thing at Barnes and Noble. On the way there, we rode five to a car. When we made turns, someone would slide into me (a guy). Uncomfortable for both of us, of course. Guys are supposed to be like that. So we got there, and we got out…and the place was packed. Full of people. Full of a lot of girls. Awkward for me, just cause I’m like that. Awkward enough without the fact that by walking down any given aisle I had a very high chance of coming into physical contact with any of these people. They’re all people I don’t know, and they’re all people dressed…oddly. Like a dance. I don’t do dances, cause again, it involves being close and touching and…it’s simply awkward to me. It’s something I’ll elaborate on later. So, here we are in a store full of members of the opposite gender, dressed like they’re at a prom, and all in very close proximity to me. This makes me nervous. This makes me on edge. This makes me freaked out. I don’t want anyone in my personal space without my permission. I have no control over this, and it’s freaky. So I left. I got out. I just couldn’t take it…especially not knowing these people.

Quick side note: members of the opposite gender tend to scare me/freak me out/make me nervous etc. I tend to be a bit paranoid. Are they thinking I did something awkward? Do they think I’m interested in them? Did I do something to make them think that? Am I doing something that makes them think I’m interested now? Am I doing something that makes them not be interested in me? I’m not even INTERESTED in them though…I’m often paranoid girls are judging me around whether or not I’m datable, whether or not they’ll be interested in me, that sort of thing. Which is completely irrational, and I’ll admit it right now. Until I get to know X girl better, it can be pretty bad.

Let me take a second to clarify. None of this is quite…set in stone per say. It is not a certainty that I will be paranoid beyond belief about a girl. It is not a certainty that I will freak out when meeting a girl. It is not a sure thing that I am thinking this about every girl I meet. None of this is really *certain*. But at the same time, yes. Yes I don’t like hugs. That is certain. But there is more to it than I simply don’t like them. There is much more. I’m saying don’t instantly discredit hugging me just because I don’t like it. I’ll elaborate more on that too. Later though.

So, having said that, quickly, just because I don’t know you well, it doesn’t mean anything should be awkward between us.

And this is me double thinking that. Thinking about the audience who is reading this, and thinking oh…wait. I may be making this awkward. I may be making this weird. But I’m not. I’m really not. I’m not directing this at anyone. There’s only a few people I can think of who would be interested in even reading this anyway (looking at you Victor. I know we’ve had this discussion a few times). So I’ve got nothing to worry about. Nothing to be paranoid about. No reason to freak out that I may be making anything weird. Given the circumstances…no. None at all. Really.

I’m talking to myself…

Back to where I was…oh yes. Barnes and Noble. So I left. I left. I walked around. I breathed, and I calmed down. I was fine. We went back into Barnes and Noble, and I freaked a bit more. It was bad. But we left. We got out. And it was alright. I met a girl that goes to State, and I worry I was too forward. Too nice. Girls think bad things of guys who are too nice, yes? I offered to carpool (better word choice would have been caravan). I asked her where she was living at State…asked her where she went to high school (homeschooled, but zoned for Bob Jones). Asked her what her last name was to be facebook friends. Traded last names. We’re facebook friends now. Our conversation has stopped, with me saying something to her last. I thought for a bit…I must have been too forward. Must have been too friendly. Otherwise she would have said something back, yes? She replied once. But our conversation has stagnated. So I’ve obviously done something wrong. That’s the kind of thinking I have sometimes.

The night doesn’t end there though. Not at all. We rode home, with a female sitting next to me (I’m really doing my best not to use names). She’s a good friend of mine. A great friend of mine. May very well be my best friend who happens to be a girl. Nothing is ever awkward with us. We’re cool. We’re tight. We’re like that. If that makes sense…but she was sitting next to me. And she slid into me just as the guy I’d been sitting next to on the way over. And I was as close to the door as I could possibly be. And I could have been imagining things, but I was almost certain she’d remained closer to me on purpose. Or had moved closer to me. Or something. I’m very good at imagining things to be paranoid about. Even with things like this. With a friend who is extremely close to me. As a friend. Nothing more. But holy crap…I was feeling awkward. And weird. And paranoid. Imagining things. Always doing that…always doing that…

So today. I went to a friend’s party. A younger friend…middle school. She thinks a lot of me…and I…well I don’t think terribly highly of her. Nothing bad just…she’s not someone I’d hang out with all the time. She’s younger than me too. It’s odd. She’s very…close, but I’m not close to her? If that makes sense…her parents know me, I’ve driven her home, eaten lunch/dinner with her…but it’s weird. I’m known for doing things I don’t necessarily want to just because someone asked me to. Well, that’s not always the case (again, see paragraph much earlier about certainties and such). She invited me to her birthday party…and I didn’t want to go. No. I really, really, really didn’t want to go. But I did. She always asks me for a hug. She always gives me one whether or not I let her really…

Quick note: I’m never one to give hugs.

So I went…but I didn’t quite enjoy it. I really didn’t actually. Not at all. I made small talk, I was nice to her, her parents…her guests…I had a friend with me and that was helpful. But as we were leaving, she wanted a hug. I shrugged it off as she was wet (pool party) . But she wrapped her arm around me in a side hug anyway. Not comfortable with that. Not at all. Didn’t say don’t, but I didn’t return it. As we walked out, she looped her arm through mine (escort style). Uh…what ar eyou doing? What? No. Just no. I’m not your boyfriend. I’m not anything like that. Don’t touch me. Just don’t. It’s not cool. It’s awkward. It makes me uncomfortable. Given everything about you (you’re younger, you seem to think very highly of me in a seemingly more friend way, I’ve been nice to you which may give the appearance of returned interest), you just shouldn’t do that. It’s weird, and it’s out of place, and it’s awkward. A lot.

So that got me thinking about it. Those two incidents. Well, I’ve been thinking about it since other incidents, but those recently. It’s been all over my mind. I’ve tried to think…what reasons do I have for being that way? What makes me avoid human touch? More elaboration later.

Speaking of elaboration, earlier I talked about dances and touching. Close proximity. Maybe I was getting at the mechanics of it? Or moreso, why said things are awkward. I’m terrible with dances. Terrible. I have many stories of homecomings, proms, and the like (yeah…there’s the whole “doing things when I don’t want to for other people” thing). They’re all full of awkwardness and weirdness. I don’t feel comfortable having my stomach touching someone elses, or being close enough to. I don’t feel terribly comfortable having my hands on a girl’s hips. I’m just not. I don’t feel comfortable having that little bit of space between me and someone else (especially someone of the opposite gender). Speculations on that? I have a few.

You can sense the other person. You can feel every movement they make. Girls’ skin is…different. It’s something more than just like a high five with someone…touching is just…intimate. There’s an Anberlin song called “Dance, Dance Christa Paffgen.” The lyrics at the end say

If picture’s worth a thousand words
Then your touch is worth them all

And I agree. A lot. Touch is very intimate. And you know, not like I don’t like my friends or anything, but…it’s too intimate for me. It’s too awkward. I don’t let Victor hug me. I don’t let my family hug me. I simply don’t like it. But it’s not that simple.

It’s confusing. I’m confusing.

And then there’s the whole intentions thing. Why am I hugging this person? Why are they hugging me? It’s easier to not have to worry about it. And I worry about things. A lot. I worry too much. But that’s not the sole reason…none of this really is. I just don’t feel comfortable hugging or being hugged. I do sometimes…but even my best friend, even my family I just don’t want them hugging me, nor do I want to hug them. It’s too…personal. Too close. And it was brought up once that stuff like this is a trust issue. And no, it isn’t. I don’t trust you enough to be that close to you. That is utter crap. I trust a lot of people. I trust people before I know them. I’m a very trusting person, and I trust my friends with a lot (for example, with my guitar. If you know me, you know I would FREAK if anything happened to that guitar. I CRIED very much and very hard when I broke it, and I was ecstatic {I still have the receipt from when I picked it up from the shop, and a phone message from when Matt, the guy who fixed it, called wanting to give me an estimate which was 140. Yeah, I still remember it. It was Christmas of 06 that I got it.} when it was fixed. I trust my friends with things like that.). Don’t tell me that I have trust issues with you because I don’t hug you, cause then I trust no one. And that’s a lie.

I believe I tangented…I’m not sure where I was going with that. I’m sure I got somewhere with it that I wanted to cover…

Oh. Another reason touch is…not quite my favorite. I’m awkward. I’m weird. I don’t even know how to hug properly. Ask Kyle haha. The first time I hugged her, it was weeeeeirrrrrd. I believe I kind of fell over sort of? I don’t even know. But it was weird and awkward and I’m like that. I don’t know how to do these things. It’s awkward and strange to just…try. That’s how things go. If you know how to do something and someone else doesn’t, they embarass themselves. If you can’t play soccer, and you try with people who know what they’re doing, you look like an idiot. And so, I don’t. I just don’t bother. Dances were like that…I had to be taught how to slow dance. And that’s easy. Pretty straightforward. I’m awkward about it…cause I obviously don’t have the same views about it most people do. A hug isn’t a big deal to most people. They give them out like candy. But no. Not me. And a lot of people don’t accept that very well. And that bothers me. It should be the other way around. I should be upset with people getting into my personal space without asking me. But whatever.

Something else I said I’d elaborate on…oh no I think I covered it. Double checking…yeah I did. But crap, I don’t feel like I have elaborated on anything at all. Nothing seems to have been cleared up at all…hm…ah random (well no not really) thought I think I’ll elaborate on now.

So…where does that leave you? In the unlikely event you *want* to hug me, what do you do? I’ve said it’s not always certain any of this (except the general I don’t want to touch people thing…and even then…I’ve been terribly unclear on anything) so…where does that leave the one who wants to hug? Well, I’ve always really not cared. As in, if you come after me I won’t fight you. But I won’t hug you back. I just don’t. Don’t be offended. Still…that’s just me talking, cause I’ll probably hug you back. I tend to suck stuff up like that and just deal with it. As awkward as it may be (hugging Amy for example), I’ll do it if they come after me. It’s just easier that way…just like saying to my mother that I’m hanging out with people at Victor’s house rather than “Ella, Jaime, Nicole, Nathan, and whoever else will show up late, but Eric said he MAY show up.” No need to make a big deal about it. I’ll just deal with it. However, people like Victor, I will straight up say no. Don’t touch me. Cause I know we’re tight and he can handle me saying it straight up. Then there are the people that ask, and in that event, I’ll usually say no. If you ask, you’re giving me the choice, and I’m probably going to say no (if I feel like I actually have that option…which is kind of rare). So, if you want to hug me…don’t actually think about anything I’ve said here, and just do whatever and I’ll handle it. But if you’re going to sit next to me in a car, then mind everything I’ve said.

Hah. I’m making fun of myself a bit now. But seriously, don’t actually think about this like it’s a huge deal. I’ll handle things that are a big deal. You just do what you want. I’ll roll with whatever happens and deal with it the way I always do. But keep in mind, if I say “don’t touch me” I have nothing against you personally, but I just don’t want you touching me.

And so, in the aftermath, I feel like I’ve explained myself…none. At least not enough by any means. I feel as if I simply dumped my thoughts out which happen to be attached with loose hot glue. They didn’t actually seem to fix or clear anything up you may have been wondering about…but this post serves two purposes: to inform you, and to give me some peace of mind. So I hope you can make heads or tails of it…cause I really can’t.

And keep in mind, this is directed at no one in particular…I’d post this on facebook if i could…but…well actually i wouldn’t without hiding it from some people (the girl I met at Barnes and Noble plust the people I don’t know very well) but the main reason is that it’s butt long. So, congratulations for making to the end or even trying at all. Comments? Questions? Anything of the sort? Facebook it or something…

oh and just because the whole post was not really microblog material…here’s something I would put in a separate post but then this would get bumped:

YouTube - The Macbeth Project
2 weeks ago
ooOoOooooOoHhh! Cryptic!
I have become most displeased with myself. 2 weeks ago

You know what?

I don’t care.
2 weeks ago
3 weeks ago

Mothers
They’re experts in making you feel guilty. For anything. 3 weeks ago
“Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.”
— Bill Vaughan (via enquotations) 3 weeks ago


Motorcycle

So…my mom freaked. A lot. She has a cousin that’s like a brother to her that pretty much became a vegetable after having a small crash on a motorcycle around his early twenties. She’s terribly upset about the notion of me having a motorcycle (I think I ended up making her cry, although proobably no just from the idea of having a motorcycle) and seems DEAD set against me getting one. My dad said he’d help me out paying for it (I will have extra money to pay for all of it, minus some expenses afterwards which I may come short, but my dad said he’d still help)…but I’d be the owner…and I have to get licensed and all that stuff…and yeah it’s dangerous…

but my mom said some stuff. She (basically) said I was going to die or become comatose and she wouldn’t be changing my diapers or feeding me in the nursing home. I know she’s just upset…and she’s taking it out on me this way…but this really…hurts? Freaks me out? I suddenly got worried that just maybe I shouldn’t be buying a cycle…I mean…it’s dangerous. If i crashed…I’m jacked. Screwed. Even going slowly, I’ll be sustaining injuries. I don’t have much of a reason beyond 75 mpg to buy it…other than I just want to ride one. It seems cool. Fun. I think I would enjoy it. But…is that worth the danger? And then there’s the whole passenger thing too. I’d be responsible for someone else. Who’s going to be *that* comfortable with me driving a motorcycle? It just seems…unlikely. I’d like to drive people around (well a person at a time) on it…and getting around campus/starkville = very cheap with a motorcycle…but…danger? Other college people? Not only is it dangerous in the sense of my own driving but other people too…and college kids are dumb. My mom repeatedly told me I make stupid decisions all the time. I do, but not monumentally stupid. EVERYONE does…it just kind of…rattled me. I still want to. My dad’s put a lot into helping me with my mom and everything (he’s fixing his bike too and she hasn’t said a THING about it…) and I don’t want to disappoint him (not to mention I REALLY wanted this…) but…this is kind of getting to me a bit. It’s scary…but it’s not. It seems like it’d be AWESOME…but…I don’t know. I’m leaning towards yes…but I’m still thinking…ugh…
3 weeks ago
NEVER FORGET!
NEVER FORGET! 3 weeks ago

No Ralph. This isn’t Karen.

* Mystery texter: Ok….I had a dream bout you. ….are you ok?
* Me: Yeah…im fine. What happened?
* Mystery texter: It was last night and when i woke up my heart was racing
* Me: Oh and I don’t have this number so..
* Mystery texter: Well….we were in bed asleep…..i guess wese tired from whatever we had just finished….and
* Mystery texter: Some animal busted thru the window….started runnin round the bed
* Mystery texter: Makin wild noises…it stopped at the 3oot of the bed and i was trying to figure out how to protect you
* Ralph: Oh…..sorry. this is ralph
* Me: Ralph…?
* Ralph: Yes
* Me: I’m not sure i know a Ralph…
* Ralph: Karen…!
* Ralph: Ok…..sorry.
* Me: yeah I get a lot of calls for Karen…its cool.
* Ralph: How long have u had this number?
* Me: Almost 2 years
* Ralph: Well i guess you didn’t care about my dream then…..lol
* Ralph: Not 2 years….I was texting her oo this number less than 3 months ago….this is Karen!
* Me: Nope. Its not. Ive had this number since summer of my senior year.
* Ralph: Ok….sorry 2 have bothered you……and if you are a female and would have been my dream….i would have protected you too…….ol.
* Ralph: If you are a male….I wouldnt have been in bed with you in the first place…..lol
* Me: Haha yeah…I was kind of like erm i dont wake up next to guys…cause I am one…
* And shortly after I get a call…for Karen.
* No Ralph. This isn’t Karen. No you! THIS ISN’T KAREN!

3 weeks ago
I have lost more than I care to acknowledge. 4 weeks ago
“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”
— http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com (via align) 1 month ago
I haven’t
Ranted in a long time. I want to. Oh I want to. But I can’t make myself do it. I have nothing to rant about. Oh but I do. I have a lot to rant about. A lot of thoughts to spill. A lot of feelings to drop out in the open. A lot on my mind. But I can’t force myself to do it for a few reasons. The predominant one being cause of the “you’re such an emo kid” backlash that will inevitably come back on me. And I’m not going to deal with that. Not right now. 1 month ago
Late night drive…
I just realized on my way home how terribly insecure I am. 1 month ago
1 month ago

In Lieu Of A Rant…

“Leaving/May not be coming home/Needing/To know I’m not alone/Even/Though i can’t feel a thing/Taking/Time to get over it/Making/The best of what won’t quit/Breaking me down I can’t feel a thing/Where do I go/Where do I stand/Where can I find myself again/Where do I go/If not disappear/Where do I go from here/Tracing/My steps right back to you/Racing/The clock to save an hour or two/And Facing/The fact I don’t feel a thing/I’m dealing/With what I can’t control/Feeling/Confused cause I don’t know if/Healing/Is when you don’t feel a thing”

“I found my new black shoes/while cleaning out the bones left in my closet/they were there with a bad excuse/bon voyage/and I found a back up plan/I’m grateful I didn’t have to use it/but it’s made up of real good friends/bon voyage/isn’t it nice to know that the lining is silver?/isn’t it nice to know that we’re golden?/well I found a list of flaws that I saw in myself and other people/and I threw it away because/bon voyage/isn’t it nice to know that the lining is silver?/isn’t it nice to know that we’re golden, oh oh?/isn’t it nice to know that the lining is silver?/isn’t it nice to know that we’re golden?/yeah we’re golden oh ooooh oh/when it all falls apart and you can’t see/ the forest for the cemeteries/isn’t it nice to know that the lining is silver?/isn’t it nice to know that we’re golden oh oh?/ isn’t it nice to know that the lining is silver/isn’t it nice to know that we’re golden? yeah we’re golden oooooooh oh oh/I found a love in me/I always somehow knew it existed/it just needed to be set free/bon voyage/isn’t it nice to know/ isnt it nice to know/isn’t it nice to know…”

“I can’t find no inspiration/nothing that keeps me up at night/i wanna give you satisfaction/so you don’t say what’s wrong or right/someone please tell me/just what is not stickin’/listen to the sound of the beat not stoppin’/no reaction/no reaction/lookin at the chart but nothing’s toppin’/no reaction/no reaction/listen to the sound of the reggae droppin/no reaction/no reaction/lookin at the matts and the johns not talkin/no reaction/no reaction”

“I don’t like the steps I took/to get to look/into your deepest feelings/and I don’t like the place I’m in/headspace within the hardwood and the ceiling/cause if I’m restless then why do I/want nothing but to rest my soul/and I don’t get this and I know why/you see sometimes things are just beyond control/but I don’t mind/but I’m not surprised to find that you do/I’m not surprised to find that you do/I know you do/ and I feel fine/but I know the same does not apply to you/I know the same does not apply to you/so I guess that I’ll curl up and die too/ Clinging to the remnants of perfection like most do after they break it/not knowing which direction’s the correct one, do I discard or remake it?/ cause if I don’t know then I don’t know/but I may know someone who knows me more than I/and if I could somehow rest this soul/maybe control could find its way back to my life/well I don’t mind/but I’m not surprised to find that you do/you see I know that I have done all this to you/to you/and I feel fine/but I know the same does not apply to you/yeah I know the same doesnot apply to you/so I guessthat I’ll curl up and die too/yeah I’ll curl up with you until I die with you”

Where’s the hope? where’s the…upbeat? the happiness? the motivation? the…feeling? the emotion? the livlihood? the ling, the real, the completion? Where is all of it that I’m missing? Why is it missing? Where did it go? Did I fall apart? Am I going to make it? Why, why why? When, where? What? What is it? Why am I devoid of a reason, as well as an emotion that should accompany this? Why so many questions? Why do I are? What does it even matter? But it does. If I don’t know then I don’t know…

I want to sit in a corner and just…sit in a corner. Escape people. Be away from it. Not interact. Reclude. Disappear. I know I shouldn’t, but I don’t care. I really don’t. Whatever.
1 month ago
I’d wear this shirt.
I’d wear this shirt. 1 month ago


“

3. Wall-E will be way more adorable than whomever you’re taking on a date.

I know what you’re thinking. “Oh,” you say. “I’ll take this girl I really like to see Wall-E! It’s cute, it’s funny, and it’s a love story so she’ll think I’m really sensitive and want to give me kisses!”

Wrong.
The inherent problem with watching Wall-E is that almost every robot in that movie is at least fifteen times more adorable than you, or anyone you know, will ever be. Wall-E is the single cutest creature ever committed to film, Eve is a cute iPod-looking thing, and M-O steals the entire show in the very few scenes he in. Wall-E is an adorable movie, yes, but it’s so adorable that when it’s done, your date won’t be thinking about you — they’ll be thinking about seeing Wall-E again.
”
— Reason number three why your first date shouldn’t be a movie. Edited slightly for language and such… 1 month ago
Most awesome billboard ever. No pun intended.
Most awesome billboard ever. No pun intended. 1 month ago

XD
XD 1 month ago

Ice cream. Really. ICE CREAM! Awesome packaging.
Ice cream. Really. ICE CREAM! Awesome packaging. 1 month ago

1 month ago

1 month ago

1 month ago

1 month ago

1 month ago

1 month ago


Oblivious

* My boss was talking with a coworker about her pool…and the coworker had mentioned his wife…
* My boss: That’s a long pool…
* Coworker: That’s what she said.
* SO oblivious. I almost laughed A LOT.

1 month ago


Looking back…
Looking back, I’m not so sure I want to go deal with all those people again. I’m sure they’re good people…I guess. I’ve just got a bitter taste in my mouth about it. I usually do…but…I mean…really…I just don’t. I’m glad college is big enough that I won’t have to but…I’m sure since it’s the polite thing to do we’ll end up hanging out sometime…then again…I’m not so sure. Whatever…just thinking out loud. 1 month ago

“That’s what friends do. They eat each other and have sex.”


“*Mother and sister making dinner…I walk in to sister dropping something*
“You are a loon.”
— The Mother 2 months ago
“Calvin switches on the “fasten seat belt” light in the cabin, and does a barrel roll!”
— Calvin the passenger plane pilot 2 months ago
Picture…
I need a new tumblr profile picture…suggestions? 2 months ago
“Hey Dad, catch the water balloon!”
— Calvin and Hobbes 2 months ago
Pets…

Pretty much pets are awesome. They’re like..the person that can’t be there for you 24/7. They’re like…a best friend. And I totally want one…I think it would help. I want something to love…to take care of to show it it’s loved…

That’d be cool. But I want it to be able to love me back. I want to know it cares for me like I do for it…

To further complicate matters…I have a college dorm. That leaves very little that could possibly work…and then on top of that my parents are very…opposed to it. But I really think it would help. A lot.

I wanted a kitten…but he got adopted…I don’t want a dog. Here’s what I’m thinking…without regard to ability to have it at college and such:

Rabbit - Rabbits are quiet, timid, nice, friendly, cuddly. Just all around cool. They don’t come with the super friendly in your faceness of a dog, and they don’t constantly freak out about stupid crap. They’re chill, and they’re cute at the same time.

Cat - Well, kitten rather. They’re pretty chill too. Kittens are playful, they’re still affectionate, and they require little care. They’re friendly, and let you know when they love you.

Turtle - Turtles…are very cute. Somehow, whenever I get to play with Kyle’s sister’s, it always makes me feel better. He’s cute…he’s fun to play with, and he’s great to just watch or let him crawl around on you. I’m not sure he can be affectionate back…but he’s still cute.


Geckos - I love geckos. Mr. Johnston used to have two of them…leopard geckos. I called them “El Chupacabra.” Once again, they’re cute, they’re friendly (to a degree). They’re cool to just let them chill with you. Just let it crawl on you, and when it’s comfortable, it’ll just chill there with you. They can’t really love you back though…

Birds - There are a few birds…it’d be really cool to have a falcon, although that requires a license and all of that. That’s at least two years away…plus a lot of care and I don’t think that’ll happen. But another kind of bird…a parrot perhaps (or some subspecies or something) would be nice. They’re affectionate, they can talk and mimic you, and they’re just nice. It’s a lifelong commitment though, and they’re also loud sometimes…

Praying Mantis - Yeah I know…it’s pretty farfetched but…I like them. They can’t really show affection (I swear Ted could though)…but they’re cool to have chill with you. There was something about Ted…he was more than just a mantis…it was like we were both familiar with each other. Hard to explain.

Frogs - Apart from the intestines in the hands…frogs are cool. And the gay frogs. That wasn’t fun. But I like frogs. They’re small, cute, and can chill with you. Or be energetic. I’m not sure if they can be affectionate…but they’re still cool.

Iguana - Apparently they’re like mammals to the extent of attatching to their owners…I like lizards…and then that’d be cool. They’re chill as well..

Crabs - Hermit crabs or otherwise…I really think they’re cool. I like hermit crabs…they’re quite cute and timid…and they’re good to have just crawl around.

Those are all I’m thinking of…let me know if you have any other ideas or comments…I’m going to talk to my parents about it and see how that goes…
2 months ago
“Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”

“Whenever I make eggs, I make this motion…you gotta get all this air in the eggs!”
— Victor. The egg master.


“You can come in the bathroom, Naked, if you want.”
— Cait mistook my name for something else. 2 months ago
Making out

* Victor: na, it’s awesome
* you gotta try it.
* me: it’s not like a soda…

2 months ago
He he

* Victor: so…. you should reverse your strategies for your personal life and women
* me: what are you talking about?
* Victor: like, don’t wait so long with women, and wait longer with your personal life

2 months ago
I think he got it right…

* “Cake
* all that physical stuff, all the kissing and holding hands and making out
* that’s just the icing on the cake
* there’s a delicious friendship filled double layer of your favorite person under all that”
* Oh wow. This is something no one seems to get anymore. Oh hey she’s pretty. He’s hot. Let’s make out. Maybe that’s why everyone gets divorces now days…
* I like this. A lot.

2 months ago
Your Debut Album

somethingamazing:

poortaste:

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

If you want to do this again, you’ll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr’s “explore the last seven days” http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that’s your debut album.

My debut album:

Somerset Palace’s “But Obscurity is Forever”

Somerset Palace’s But Obscurity is Forever

mine is:

Middletown Guards

album: and therefore imminent downfall


picture…won’t work so here you go:

http://l.yimg.com/www.flickr.com/images/spaceball.gif
album
2 months ago
Divorce
Dear God, I HATE that word. I hate everything to do with it. EVERYTHING! 2 months ago
Bedtime rant

Yeah…I should be asleep. So…what does that mean? That I have a lot to say of course. Or get off my mind…or I have a lot on my mind. Whatever the case…I’m about to write it. Are you ready?

So…it’s the obligatory relationship post. Yeah, I know. blah blah blah. relationships (and not the general kind, the opposite gender kind). Everyone talks about them all the time…everyone has so much to say about them…everyone knows so much…or hurts so much…or has some bit of advice or WHATEVER. Well…hear me out anyway (if you’d like…probably won’t be anything too new).

We all know relationships are important (all of them not just the romantic ones). So it comes with that definition that things get messed up when any of them (from now on “relationships” refers to the romantic kind not the general kind) end. It’s just natural. And it sucks. I can’t begin to describe that feeling…of which I’m still not completely past.

Here’s a little history lesson on myself…I guess. I’ve only had one relationship before (I don’t count the one in the 9th grade…cause I mean…honestly? 9th grade?) and that…failed. I didn’t even see it coming. I still remember walking inside from the parking lot…trying to hold her hand…and then when we got to the lobby she asked if she could talk to me in her room. So I started thinking…maybe…maybe this is the end…and I was right. She took my hand in hers as we were sitting on her bed…and she looked at me and said she was going to do something she didn’t want to do. That’s when I knew. Oh…that feeling sucked. SUCKED. She started crying a little…and it concluded with her saying “You should probably go.” and I did. And then I cried. I cried so very much…so much. My world…gone. There just isn’t any worldly way to describe it. You either know what I’m talking about…or you don’t. But imagine (if you don’t)…just try to imagine your best friend telling you he/she doesn’t want to be friends anymore for whatever reason. It’s like that. But worse.

So there went my world…there went my confidence. I was never (and still am not) confident at all (especially in the area of girls. A girl? Date one? Hah…hahaha. Inconceivable. I would never have guessed/thought/imagined I’d date someone. Specifically that there was something that would date me. That’s a longer, more indepth rant for another time when work isn’t in…too few hours.)…and so I was left with nothing. Nothing left at all. Bye. No more feelings…emotions…thoughts…nothing. It was suddenly all very gone and very empty. I don’t even know how I made it, and how I’m still making it. It was around a month ago…seems like forever…but I don’t just talk to her like we’re best friends. I don’t relate to her in the same way…which is to be expected…but should it be that way? Someone so close to someone else…and then it all ends? Shouldn’t they still be just as close…minus the physical? Or maybe just a little more distant…I don’t know. But these things last…and there are constant reminders everywhere. I avoid my (old) favorite Relient K CD because of track #6 (must have done something right). Oh God…I almost want to say I hate that song…but I won’t listen to it anymore. No thank you.

It’s like all that I thought I had and all that I thought I had built in myself…never existed. It’s like all of everything…was just an illusion. I never dated someone, I never had confidence, I never got over my shyness. I never had any of that. And now I’m back where I started…with just a little more knowledge. That’s what it feels like. Just a little more knowledge…not like I’ve actually been there but like…I read about it. Or something along those lines…not a terribly good description but it’ll do. It’s all so distant, except for the part where it kind of hurts a bit. It still gets to me sometimes…and sometimes I just won’t pick up the phone…

Then there’s the question of the future. Hah. The future? Being back where I was is like…I don’t know what it’s like but it’s not good. Now I’m back to no confidence, shyness, and really just…being bogged down and unable to move on. Ish. I’m scared. I’m terrified. Another relationship…means another chance for failure. And most relationships don’t work out, right? It’s just the way it is…I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to fail another relationship. And it’s not just me…feelings change. Feelings die…grow dim…they do all that. What’s to say “Oh hey, I don’t feel the same about you anymore…sorry?” There’s little to no control over that…as far as I know but I could be wrong. Regardless…people are not perfect creatures and the capacity to love is by far much more broken than it is fixed. But there are GOOD relationships that work out awesomely and all that stuff….I don’t know. The failing part scares me…as well as the being back to where I was in the beginning. I can already tell…it’s going to take a lot to pull me out of that shell (again)…and that’s something I can’t really see any (female) wanting to do/having the patience to do so, and then to top THAT off, having that whole romantically attracted thing going on.

But do I even want such a thing right now? That failure kind of…destroyed my capacity for that. It seems like that at least…but at times it comes through. I don’t know…it just sticks with me. What can do you do I guess but move on? How does one even do that though? It’s not like I still have feelings for her…but I’m still hurt by what she did.

Worry. I do a lot of it…and I shouldn’t. That’s kind of what this whole post is…but whatever. Anything to help feel a little better, right? Well not anything but…you get the point.

Forgive the typical relationship post thing…and the emoness…and the general lack of an indepth explanation anywhere (I’m not satisfied that I explained ANYTHING enough to convey what I was thinking)…
2 months ago
Recently…

Here’s a good way to describe how I’ve been feeling recently. It’s like I’m in prison…and all my friends are waiting for me to get out. I’m almost there…I can see the world out there, but I’m just not there yet. I’m just waiting for those few more (months? days? whatever) until I’m given that set of clothes, a $50 check, and a whole new life.

That’s what it feels like. Somewhat.
2 months ago
Bad words.
I am a complete dumb ***. 2 months ago
Hi
How are you today? Good to hear. That is, if you said well, good, or anything like that. And if you weren’t lying. Otherwise, I’m sorry to hear that, and I hope your day gets better. 2 months ago


“I’m totally doing that to the next whore I see: What’re ya sellin’? I’ll buy it at a high price!” (Ala Resident Evil 4 Merchant)”
— Victor 2 months ago
Freezepop - Outer Space
alone in the moonlight
heading for nowhere
gone is the solar glare
don’t follow me here tonight

run away, far away
run away, fly away

needing to find my place
something just feels wrong
knowing I dont belong
escaping to outer space

run away, far away
run away, fly away

unafraid
every mile
you fade
there are no delays
I wont look back [4x]
run away, far away
run away, fly away

oh so quiet here
caught in the milkyway
bound by the cosmic ray
i could just disappear

time will slow
no more earth below
another day to go
I wont look back [4x]
run away, far away
run away, fly away

alone in the moonlight
heading for nowhere
gone is the solar glare
don’t follow me here tonight
don’t follow me here tonight
don’t follow me here tonight 2 months ago


Work…

Late night, come home
Work sucks, I know
She left me roses by the stairs
Surprises let me know she cares

Blink 182 All the Small Things

If I used expletives…there would be a lot in here.

I keep thinking about that song…specifically the bolded part. A lot. I HATE my work…I hate work in general. That kind of work rather.

For example…what’s the big deal? Why does everyone have to look nice? WHY THE FREAKING HECK CAN’T WE JUST BE COMFORTABLE?! What the F is wrong with simply dressing in shorts? Professionalism? A freaking word made up to make people feel better about themselves. Whatever works I guess. That’s BS. First impressions…yeah sure. When EVERYONE LOOKS THE FREAKING SAME…that sure helps. Why do the clothes we wear have ANY bearing on what the person wearing them is perceived as? THEY SHOULDN’T. I’m TIRED of the way “the real world” works, or the business world, or whatever BS term people use for it. If that’s how “the real world” works, well…F that crap. Whatever. I’m not even in it yet and I know I want NO part of it. Sure success…fame…fortune…whatever crap is possibly awaiting me should I “motivate myself to be successful and professional” or whatever BS ROBOTIC RESPONSE they SPOON FEED people to get them to comply to “company standards” or what the F ever they do…except that word is defined by a lot of things. Mostly defined by individuals though. I can be successful doing what I LOVE or what I HATE…but true success won’t come through not enjoying something. That’s called “work.” I don’t want to “work,” I want to “live.” It’s no wonder people have SUCKY lives; they don’t find something they WANT to do, something they ENJOY. They force themselves into a GODFORSAKEN CUBICLE for UPWARDS OF EIGHT ABYSSMAL HOURS OF HELL and for what? Money? To support themselves? Yeah, well you’re selling your soul to do it. You’re pledging yourself to a company that WOULDN’T GIVE A *bad word* if you told them you WORKED IN A DUNGEON WITH FRICKIN RAPIST WITH A NAIL BAT. THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU, ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS MONEY. MONEY MONEY MONEY. I’m FING SICK OF MONEY. I DON’T CARE ABOUT IT. I can’t FATHOM, BELIEVE, or even TOLERATE someone doing something for the sake of money. WHAT A WASTE. What a FRICKIN WASTE.

And don’t even get me STARTED on the BS about employers reading workers’ blogs, and getting fired or some suck like that. BUNCH OF CRAP. If you’re reading this employer, first, I question WHY. WHY would you go through the trouble? Two, I humbly and forcibly say this is MY blog, my place to post WHATEVER I want, regardless of content (excepting the policies of this website). Its purpose is for ME to decide, and as it is…it ISN’T something for my employer to look through and find problems with, it’s for MY use and for my friends to see. I hope you feel ashamed for doing such a thing. Feel free to read all you want if you’re just going to do that: read. I don’t care. But for purposes such as deeming if I’m fit to work or some crap like that? Please, just leave now. Not that I think you’d be reading this…

So what a bunch of crap people have made to wade through and swim in, hm? Some DEPRAVED MIND made a cubicle thinking they’d help the world. It makes things efficient and easier, they said. HUMAN LIVES DON’T WORK WITH EFFICIENT AND EASY. THEY WORK WITH REALITY. THE REAL WORLD ISN’T EASY, NOR IS IT EFFICIENT. IT ISN’T RUN BY SOME HIGHER UP LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER AT ALL TIMES WATCHING TO SEE YOU PERFORM AT A SATISFACTORY LEVEL. IT ISN’T ABOUT FINDING SOME GOD FORSAKEN BARCODE TO BE CHECKED OFF ON A SHEET. IT ISN’T ABOUT SAVING MONEY. IT ISN’T ABOUT WORKING. IT’S ABOUT LIVING. LIFE IS ABOUT LIVING. NO ONE ELSE WILL LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOU. JUST YOU. You won’t find your life in a cubicle. Nor will you find it in a desk drawer. IT ISN’T THERE. Go find it.

I’d rather hang from a tie than wear one.

Office machines? Faxes? Copiers? God I want to take a shotgun, or a sledge hammer to them. How satisfying would that be? Or even Office Space style. I’d take that. ANYTHING. I *HATE* this job. I hate the people there. Sure some are nice, but some aren’t. Some are busy…some are personable, and some aren’t. Some of them hate their jobs too. BUT THEY’RE ALL OLDER. They’re all old! They’ve all lost their excitement, their zeal, their…lives. They’ve sold it to the corporate monster for whatever reason, but it wasn’t a good enough one.

I’d rather run down the hall and jump out the window than stay there.

Screw work. I’d rather live. 
2 months ago
“

It costs like 300 bucks for like…uh…whatever prostitutes do.” - Victor

“Live electricity!” - Victor
”
— Hehehe. Graduation. Hooters? I’m not sure. 2 months ago
Hopefully?
Hopefully I will be of some help. 3 months ago

Today isn’t looking like much of a happy day…prove me wrong. 3 months ago
Just Be

Just be. That’s what I want to do. I don’t want to overthink, I don’t want to over analyze, I don’t want to be troubled by things…I just want to be.

Well ok…I want to be happy. Just be (happy). I guess. Not that I’m not…just…that I’m not all the time.

Except…then I wouldn’t have happy or sad if I was just happy…

oh nevermind. I need to sleep. Just be (asleep) is what I need. I get like this when I don’t sleep…
3 months ago


Nilla Wafers
Victor told me he had some. He made a mistake. 3 months ago
Night time

Night time is kind of my friend. Then again, it kind of isn’t. Late nights tend to leave me with nothing to do but think. Think…and think. Late night car rides by myself do the same. Late night anything by myself really. I was thinking about this last night…and tonight driving.

Sadness seems to set in the later I stay up. I distract myself with games and people…and it helps. To a certain degree. I guess a lot of things only help to a certain degree. And that degree is just…temporary. Temporary is really all it ever is. But I can handle that..b.ecasue sadness is temporary too. Maybe that’s why I like games so much…it’s an escape. But then again…so is alcohol. Not that I like alcohol…but it’s along the same vein maybe. Unhealthy in large doses. That’s why I have friends.

So this sadness. What causes it? Me? My issues? My problems? My…issue? I like the last one. Last two maybe. But my mind keeps going back to one issue…one problem in particular. Relationships. Well…a relationship. A past one. “Broken hearts and promises, left for lesser knowns.”

I’m still upset. I still remember holding her hand in the car. I still remember so much so vividly…and when I’m alone…it hurts. It sucks. It won’t go away. Time heals…well…I need more of it I guess. Or it doesn’t heal. Whichever. But the issue is…I’m over her, but not over it. Those late nights, those movie watchings, those car rides…they’ll haunt me for a while. Hopefully a while. Maybe less than that. But at some point. Sometime. Please. That’d be nice. But then I don’t want to forget. I’ll never forget. I’ll always remember…I’ll always remember that feeling…and everything that went along with it. I never thought I’d feel that again…and it still feels like such a thing is far far away. Not that I really want to right now though. I remember these things feeling like this before…and then I thought I was through with it. I thought I was alright…but now it’s back. Whatever.

I’ll live. I’ll be fine. I know this. I’m just not particularly ok with this. With the whole baggage deal. With the whole…being reminded of stuff and letting it get to me. It’s not cool, and it’s not fun. And the only real thing I can do about it…is nothing. Well nothing much. About all I can do is distract myself and hang with my friends. That’s what I’ve been doing…but then again…it hasn’t fixed the problem. I don’t know. It helps though.

Distractions. Time. This is all not too enjoyable.

I don’t like memories…but I did at the time. I will at some point…I guess. The whole hand holding thing…it just got me tonight. Memories…they get me. I’ll just deal with it…with distractions…and time.

Maybe I’ll be alright in a bit.

I dunno…the whole…relationship thing…in the future? That’s weird. It’s weird beyond anything. It’s kind of back to not seeing it happening…and I kind of don’t want it to now. But that’s now. And that will change, right? In time…with the rest of it. I guess this is all happy, normal, and all that good stuff…that happens when you break up with people. Or they break up with you. This is all normal and natural and blah blah blah. Whatever. I dunno. I’m not sure how this will turn out in the future. But I’m pretty sure I do. I’m just not sure how to get there? I don’t know. I kind of wish it would just…change. I kind of wish I wasn’t so…upset still. That I was reminded of stuff so much. That…I’d be alright with stuff again.

I’m going to stop…I’m frustrated with trying to explain, of which I didn’t do a very good job. And it’s frustrating me. So before I continue perpetuating the cycle of frustrating perpetuating…things. Ugh. Now I’m shaking.

I’m done…time for distractions.

I kind of want a hug.


“I like how Alabama smells, all honeysuckly and happy fairy.” - Cait”
3 months ago
Mornings
Morning people. I am not one of them. 3 months ago


Arglefargelbleh?
This is me refraining from writing a 48348235923 page long rant on a microblog. Mmmk. Thanks. That is all. Resume your business. 3 months ago

Very Suddenly…
Very suddenly I am not happy. GAH I hate waking up to the feeling of a bad day…for no reason.


Rhyme
I had a rhyme, and then I lost it. 3 months ago
Whiny Lawn Mower
When my sister talks loud enough to be heard through the walls, she sounds like a whiny lawn mower. 3 months ago
Lost….
I had a rant, but then I lost it. :\ 3 months ago
Life

So…it’s weird how we go through changes…but we don’t change ourselves. For example…we have spells of feeling certain ways, or doing certain things…and they integrate into us or they don’t. But regardless of these things, *WE ARE STILL OURSELVES.* How important is that to understand? Very. You are yourself so long as you live your life, and do what you do. You’re you so long as you don’t hold yourself back for anyone or anything. You are you so long as you aren’t forcing yourself to be something else. EVEN WITH THOSE CHANGES YOU WILL BE YOURSELF. Times change, so do people. IT’S WHAT LIFE DOES, and you have a life. You are you, and nothing changes that.

It’s something I’ve thought of a lot…and it’s a strange thought. Very important to understand though.
3 months ago
It’s My Birthday…

It’s my birthday. I do what I want!

Side note: feeling on the better side…
3 months ago
Here it goes again…
10 mg isn’t enough. 3 months ago
Today’s Events…

Woke up.

Talked on the phone.

Went to Victor’s.

Discovered an uneaten box of Nilla Wafers.

Problem quickly rectified.


MSU is my home.
I need a hug. 3 months ago
Temperature…
It’s so cold… 3 months ago


My word for a lot of thing…
Currently:

ARGELFARGLEBLEH!!!!!!!!
3 months ago
Random rhyming?

drifting along…singing a song…humming a tune that no one else can hear…

wondering aloud…leaving the crowd…simply finding my own way…

watching and waiting…random thoughts permeating…just making it through…

just a few questions…open to suggestions…it’s about time to start…

jumping on out there…in spite of the nightmare…living life through…
3 months ago
Oh. My. Gosh.

Don’t tell me you didn’t play this game. It was UH-MAZING. It came in boxes of chex cereal around…1997ish? I don’t know. BUT…it’s called “Chex Quest” and I just found it again. It’s basically Doom, but…child friendly. You HAVE to play it!!!!!! I have all three of them (I never knew about the second and third…EXCITEMENT!) so email me if you want to have them. They’re completely free and all that so no worries with copyright stuff.

The Chex Warrior!
3 months ago
Cold…

So I’m cold. I’ve been cold all day. It kind of freaks me out…cause the only times I’m cold are when I’m either sick or really REALLY upset about something. And I know I’m not sick…but there isn’t anything (as far as I know) that I’m really REALLY upset about…so……..

*deep in thought*

That would describe a lot of me lately…deep in thought. I hate being deep in thought cause that ends badly most of the time.

I need to sleep. Maybe that will help…

GAH. There was something else I wanted to say…ugh. I’ve done that a lot lately…forgotten things. I was going to say something about feeling like something…but knowing what to attribute it to and being able to ignore it? I’m grasping for straws in the dark…or whatever the expression is…I can’t even think straight. Time for sleep…as much as I know I’m not going to be until an hour or two from now. 
3 months ago
Random…musings?

Whoever created the question mark is probably the one person responsible for all of everyone’s problems. I mean…really…what problem isn’t sparked/manifested/created with a ? Cause pretty much all of them at some point…

I guess you could be technical and say “My problem is that I’m not sure about _______” but…that’s cheating.

Ok…you know what? Nevermind. I don’t really care or know where that was going…but…I really like bandaids. They’re pretty much awesome and if I could I would wear them even without any reason to. I mean…really. They’re just cool. And the cloth ones. Not the rubber latex ones…or whatever material they are.

I’m hungry…I’ve been hungry since all of today cause I didn’t eat much…well anything. Except a sandwich for dinner…after dinner. And some oreos. I haven’t felt like eating anything in particular…like…when you’re tired but you don’t want to sleep. Kind of like that.

Victor just choked on an oreo. Heh.

So I miss college already. I miss people there and the atmosphere. I was really excited about seeing people here and hanging out with some new friends I met…and now that excitement is…freaking out? I don’t know. It varies. I mean…pretty much everything varies but…like…I want to BE excited again. I want to have that passion and that…anticipation. I want to be able to wake up and be like “TODAY’S GOING TO BE FREAKING AWESOME CAUSE I GET TO HANG OUT WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!” cause for the short amount of time I had that…everything was right in the world. I want all of that back.

I think I’ll try that tomorrow. I’ll wake up and say I’m going ot have a good day. And think a little less about…stuff…
3 months ago
ha…hahaha.
ha…hahaha. 3 months ago

sooooo…
Soooooooooo…I’ve been told to get a tumblr…and I did…and I’m back from college for the Summer now. And I’m tired. I woke up on the couch in the lobby at MSU this morning. I’ve been running on straight energy drinks forever. And I’m going to sleep for about three days. Literally. Straight 3 days. 3 months ago